Learning to Forgive Yourself
We all mess up sometimes. So why is learning to forgive yourself a lot harder than forgiving others?
By Jean Lawrence Reviewed by Brunilda Nazario, MD
Your heart and mental health may depend on your ability to reduce hurt and anger, even at yourself.
If someone else offends you, you might learn to forgive them or at least let go of the anger. That's because it's easier to forgive others. After all, they don't live in your head, reading you the same old riot act.
Forgiving Requires Specificity
I think forgiveness is often confused with condoning or lack of accountability. "This is a world with high performance standards. People think they need to be perfect. Yet people do things -- intended or not -- that hurt others. You may not intend to harm, but the other person is no less hurt." That's when you need to stop at some point and forgive yourself.
Do You Need Help?
Change can be done without formal therapy, Marshall says. "But not without community of some kind. It is in the context of our relationships (whether with therapists, pastors, counselors, churches, families, and friends) that we experience the grace of being forgiven and forgiving others." Grace, of course, is a peace of mind bestowed regardless of whether we deserve it or not.
How Do You Know You Have Forgiven Yourself?
Whatever route you take, "you know you have forgiven yourself when the memory gives you no more pain or anger," Hartman says. "It's as simple as that. You can say, 'I am free of this.'"
Of course, along with this often goes the need to ask the wronged person to forgive you as well. "Forgiveness," Marshall notes, "is never complete unless people and relationships are transformed in the process." That transformation, of course, could involve never repeating the action.
"Making amends is more than a simple 'I'm sorry.' It involves a willingness to listen to another person's hurt. It involves a willingness to take immediate corrective action."
Forgiving yourself is -- you don't forget the mistake, but it doesn't cause any trouble and you don't lose the memory of it.
A New Day
"We all mess up sometime," Hartman says. "Forgiving ourselves is as close as we come to a system reset button." I hope that everyone can reset and live a guilt free life.
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